Paging Dr. McDreamy ... to the supply room

One day, I was flipping channels and Grey's anatomy was on the TV. I saw two very attractive people who were disrobing in a supply closet. My eyes narrowed to focus better. Are those two supposed to be doctors? And in a supply closet?? In a hospital? No, thanks. Most doctors who are wearing scrubs are ... not cute, and smell like BO because they have either been in a hot operating room all day or have been sleeping in the hospital.

So, recently, I was asked about whether or not it was true that a lot of sex took place in the hospital. My immediate reaction was, "Are you kidding?" But, let me not impress my own experience entirely. I had to remember - most doctors are somewhat repressed geeks, who never got any in high school, and not much more in college. NOT QUITE Katherine Heigel or Patrick Dempsey. When new doctors leave medical school and are working in the hospital, they go from untouchable to ... well, considerably more desirable. When you are a resident, you spend much of your awake time in the hospital. So, while I was never personally involved in it, sex does happen ... but not often.

Why not? Well, MRSA for one example. I mean, while most people think of hospitals as very sterile places, they are actually kind of filthy. In a place where I would not even consider a three second rule for food, it is hard to imagine taking your clothes off and engaging in an intimate act. But, apparently parking lots are NOT off limits, since I have it on good authority that several intimate acts between a doctor and hospital staff in the parking lot... regularly ... in plain sight of the cafeteria.

Also, the serious nature of life and death in a hospital usually is kind of turn-off. Well, apparently not a for one doctor, who was called to a cardiac arrest in the company of a woman with whom he was having an affair, in this case, a nurse. After they decided the patient was dead, and everyone had left the room, a friend of mine realized she left her pen in the room. She found her pen in the room with the deceased, as well as those two people having sex on the other bed in the room.

I think because there are beds in the hospital where doctors sleep that some folks assume they have sex with people there. In my experience, though, most doctors treat these areas with the reverence. These beds are for the most treasured and valued act - sleep. In residency, our call rooms had bunks beds. YES, BUNK BEDS. We are highly trained, intelligent people in our late 20's ... sleeping in bunks beds. As residents, though we learned so much about each other through these encounters ... who snores ... who talks in their sleep ... who farts in their sleep, etc. It was so asexual, that we felt more like brothers and sisters than a prospective hook-up, like a slumber party for the socially crippled. I never gave it a second thought until one night, I emerged from my call room bleary-eyed, and found the guy who I was supposed to be in the call room with me with passed out in a chair. "What are you doing out here?" I asked.

"I didn't ask you if I could sleep in the same room as you, and I didn't want to seem inappropriate," he mumbled. I thanked him, and shooed him into the call room. He snored like a freight train. Not sexy.

Can you call Dr. House?

House, MD. How I hate you.

I have never watched your show, but I hate you nonetheless. You are the hero of my patients. Many of them believe you are a real doctor, and not Hugh Laurie, an actor. I bet most of them don't even know that you have an English accent. They wouldn't care if they could have you as their doctor instead of me. They believe you are out there, somewhere ... yet they are stuck with me.

Am I not charming? I am. House is not, but that does not seem to matter to patients. Am I not well-studied? I am (good enough, smart enough, and Gosh-darn it, people like me). What does House have that I don't? Hollywood. And what has Hollywood created that I am unable to? An answer. Every patient, the complicated/bizarre ones and the more straightforward ones - all of them get ANSWERS. What do my patients get? "Here is what probably happened ..." or "Here is what you don't have ..." This drives them CRAZY.

"Well, doctor, when WILL we know what happened to me when I passed out?" I take a deep breath.

"We may never know. I can take the aspects of what you have told me, put together an idea of what happened, and then assess you for some life threatening problems and try to make sure it was not one of those problems." I explain what those are. I explain that this will take 1-2 days, and then I can likely send them home if the testing checks out, and they are feeling well. I pause. This usually goes over like a lead balloon, and about the time some ask request a House, MD consult. Or, my personal favorite - a CSI consult.

"You need those CSI people. They use all sorts of crazy science, and they always figure out what happened." I usually nod to this, not mentioning that a murder had taken place when CSI is called, and they would have to die in a violent way for me to call them.

I understand where these feelings come from. We think of doctors like mechanics. Hook it up to the diagnostic machine when the check engine light comes on, and then fix the problem. We certainly order a lot of tests in medicine, probably too many, but often they are just suggestive, and not diagnostic. My great Aunt Celia told me once that you can never be sure of ANYTHING except death and having to pay taxes. When someone is sick and scared, though, no one wants to hear about uncertainty. OFTEN there is no definite answer. I can't reconstruct your crime scene. I can't say it is for sure your brake pads need replacing and you will never pass out again. I can tell you you didn't have a heart attack, and I can tell you it is unlikely you had a stroke, and I can tell you the most common causes of passing out, and which one likely happened to you. Common things are common, and what happened to you is probably not a bizarre presentation of Ebola. I will listen to your fears, and do my best to try to calm them, but we can only be sure of death and taxes. If anyone tells you they know what happened to you with certainty, they probably also carry a SAG card.

In the future, please ask me for a Car Talk brothers consult - they are more into the art of medicine that I feel comfortable with.